Yesterday was an interesting day. We hustled around in the morning so we could get our work done in time to sit down for the afternoon to watch the Olympics.

We also got several loads of laundry done so that we could sit and fold while glued to the TV. That way, I don't feel so guilty. After that job was done, I decided to do one that I had been putting off.

I dragged my EMT bag to the couch. This is a huge black bag that is loaded with all kinds of things. It has sat in the front room by the front door for over 4 years--- ready to be grabbed on the rush out the front door. Unfortunately, I have had it over my shoulder on many trips at all times of the day and night. Vehicle wrecks, fire calls, sick people, suicide attempts, drunks fighting, drug overdoses and the dreaded "code black"---- someone found dead.

I did not renew my EMT license this year. There were alot of reasons/excuses. We are moving out of this fire district. I work for Louisburg Volunteer Fire Dept. Neil, Charlie, and Seth are firemen. I having joking told people that if you find yourself in trouble around here, the McCarter Clan is the cavalry! This is still an independent district and we govern ourselves. The other districts in the area come under their county governments and are saddled with all kinds of bureaucratic nonsense as well as poor equipment. Somehow, the towns end up with the modern stuff and rural people in the most danger end up with the left overs..... Anyway, where we are hoping to move to is not an independent district and they frankly don't need or want me.

Also, the last couple of years have been pretty rugged. I had more than my share of deceased calls. A really bad wreck with a life or death situation and back up was waaaaay slow in getting there. The patient lived but I still have dreams about that one. A couple of drug overdoses made me really angry and depressed me---- and they lived despite tremendous odds against them. What would have happened to me if they had not?
I began to question myself when I was called to the suicide attempt. Without going into detail the patient was a drug addict/alcoholic and was trying to emotionally blackmail her grown children. She had wasted most of her life and made other people miserable. I really didn't care if she made it. You have no idea how ashamed I am to admit that.


The bottom line is that as much as I like people and I am compelled to give help when I can, I am not emotionally cut out to ride to the rescue on a regular basis. So, yesterday I cleaned out my big black bag. I sorted out equipment that belonged to the VFD and boxed it up. The bag is still over half full because I bought several things that I wanted to have that dept. just didn't have the funds to provide for us. I'll turn in my pager and communication equipment , along with the box, this week. I let the guys know a couple of weeks ago that this was coming. I was very touched and humbled when several of the guys asked me to reconsider.... Word has leaked out to the community and people have been very kind to me.

I am never going to be able to walk past someone who needs help. I could not live with myself if I did but I will not be on the front lines anymore. I shed a few tears over that. There are all kinds of legal consequences for being a good Samaritan but I don't care. The black bag is still going to sit by the front door or ride in the truck.

I cannot believe how incredibly lazy I have been at posting on this blog. Over six months of silence -- It is a wonder that the blog site owners didn't just dump it all together.

There is no way to go back and catch up so I will just jump right in here.

The big news dominating our life is Neil's promotion and our attempt to buy our own farm.
For the past 10 years, we have lived and worked on this farm. It is the longest that I have ever lived in one place for my whole life. Neil is gone from this farm at least half of the time now. It has been a hard adjustment for me and the two youngest kids. The two older ones go off to college several days a weeks so they are busy with their own changes in life. So, the "little boys" and I end up here alone....... we don't like it. There is a new man hired to work here-- Ben from South Africa--- but he is just not Dad. Nice guy but it is hard for us to get used to someone strange being on the farm. For the first time in a decade, I have to be careful about wandering around in my nightgown....... I had to dig out my robe.

Since Ben will be taking over the day to day workings of this farm, he needs to live here. This is the time for us to branch our and get our own place. We started looking for a small farm-- about 40 acres--- and somehow this has bloomed into a full fledged farm of 155 acres. We have a contract and we are negotiating for financing now. Heaven help me! I am scared to do it and scared not to......

This has lead to a massive packing, cleaning, storing, tossing time in this house. I have found all kinds of things that I forgot about and many more things that I WISH that I could forget about. Even if we don't manage to swing the financing on this farm, we HAVE to go somewhere.

We have sold a few horses, sold a few cows, sold a few goats ad a guy is coming to buy a bunch of chickens tomorrow. Planning a yard sale as soon as the Arctic weather moves on out. The house is pretty much an obstacle course of stacked boxes--- mostly books.

I hope to do better at chronicling this big adventure.
Tana Mc