Merry, merry month of May?!?

Just in case that you haven't guessed by now, WE GOT THE PLACE!!!! We closed on April 15th and have spent the last few days and weeks in an endless, exhausting, spiral of packing, cleaning and moving. Here it is May 4th, and we aren't done. The goats, horses, majority of cows, dogs, and catchable cats, and McCarter people are living at the new farm. The old house is empty but the cellar is still very full of my canning jars and various things that I thought that I couldn't live with out and haven't seen in months......

The garage at the new house is full of stuf still to be sorted, used, tossed and stored again. The new barn is pretty well stuffed, too.

Still have to go back and get the saddle house, the milk house and the rest of my raised bed gardens. That is going to have to wait a bit because we have major happenings this coming weekend. Charlie graduates from Jr. College at Coffeyville Community on Saturday. My mom and Neil's parents will all be coming in and we are having a little get together on Sunday to celebrate the event and the new house. I must be out of my mind........

More in morbid detail later.......

Really might be moving......

Ok-- there have been all kinds of setbacks and goofy things happen in the process of trying to get this farm bought. It has been a real rollercoaster ride and probably one of the worst things that we have ever tried to do. Even so, it is looking like we just might get it all done and really be moving!!!!! One more meeting with the banker and a few more papers in order to sign over our entire lives and it just might really happen. Merciful Heavens...... Then we get to go to closing......
I have been so up and down emotionally over this that I am just numb. I can't be happy or even excited about the prospect of living and working on this wonderful place. So--- I guess I am just in denial until we actually sign at closing.
Tomorrow, I am supposed to go over to be there when they do the structural inspection and then later in the afternoon, there will be a termite inspection. Sometime soon, there will be an environmental inspection to make sure that there are no toxic dumps hidden in the trees followed by a flood plain inspection and who knows what else after that......
I am taking the boys with me so that Seth can finally see just what the fuss is all about.....He is the only one of the kids who hasn't actually walked on the place. We have driven by but that is just not the same.

After we had a bit of school this morning, we worked out in the raised bed gardens. I dug up and potted as many strawberry plants as I could stand. I gave three flats of them to my friend in town and then ended up just leaving a small portion of the bed. It will be my gift to the folks that are moving in here. Then I dug up and repotted my daylilies from the garden. I explored thru the jungle out there to see what else I wanted to dig up. Looks like most of my herbs survived the weed take over as well as the harsh winter. So did my blueberry bushes and some blackberry canes. The peach tree is budding out but --- It has gotten so big that it will just have to stay. I am debating about my dwarf apple tree......

Seth and Adam began pulling up the miles and miles of soaker hose and elaborate watering system that we rigged up last year. Seth suddenly looked up and asked in a panicked voice, "Are you planning on taking ALL of these blocks??!!??" With out even glancing up, I replied, " Yep-- and all the dirt, too." I didn't look over at the dramatic noises coming from the boys...... wailing and knashing of teeth, exclamations about my sanity. Make all the fuss you want---- I am not leaving any of it!

Spring revival

I am terribly reluctant to admit it, but I am begining to feel my age. In fact, these last 8-10 years have been pretty darn hard on me. I had all kinds of physical problems, emotional upheavals, and down right drama from friends and family. Maybe it was just life at the time but, frankly, I'm tired of it.
Maybe this restless mood is because of the recent deaths of an old friend in a far away place, an aunt, and a dear old man that I thought would be just fine for a few more years. This week, an uncle died...... I am not going to be able to make it to the funeral. I know all about grieving but this is something more. I feel like God is stirring up a discontentment in my soul. I don't feel like it is some sort of premonition about dying but just a prompting for some much needed changes. Things do not-- and should not stay the same. Time is passing and I have the distinct impression that I am missing something -- something important. I can't quite put my finger on it, yet.

I have lived a wonderful life and I am richly blessed in many ways. I certainly don't want to retire ( can mothers retire?) but I am thinking of changing things up a bit around here. I'll let you know how that goes......

Physically, I know that I've reached the end of my rope. I am a fat lady. I have always been strong as an ox because I have to drag all of this around. I have lost years because of illness or injury from this weight. Since my surgery almost exactly one year ago, I much healthier. The endless saga of all those "female problems" are gone. I am much more active and getting so much actual WORK done. Now that I feel like doing all this stuff, my poor body just can't cope with this extra flab. It has got to go...... Heaven knows that I don't want to DIET but I don't want to miss out anymore so..... I am going to have to make up my mind and get serious about it. I know what to do, I just don't want to!! LOL!!
In the past month, I've begun to push myself to do more of the actual work on the farm. My kids are not quite sure what to think about that. My oldest children have gone through years of having to "help"me and in some cases to protect and prevent me from doing certain jobs. My boys know that they have been my muscles and I am really quite spoiled.

Two days ago, I stacked hay bales in the back of the truck--- while my kids repeatedly asked if I was all right. Sunday and then again this morning, we were cleaning up a pasture and the boys flat refused to let me use the chain saw. This afternoon, I loaded 50 lbs. feed sacks in the back of the trailer and it seemed almost painful for my oldest son to let me.
Time is passing and my children are almost grown -- heck -- a couple of them already are. They will be leaving me. We are moving somewhere sometime soon. I am getting stronger and healthier. I have to in order to continue to have this farm life that we love. I feel things stirring up and changing..... It is a peculiar feeling and I'll try to keep you posted on just how this works out...

Yesterday was an interesting day. We hustled around in the morning so we could get our work done in time to sit down for the afternoon to watch the Olympics.

We also got several loads of laundry done so that we could sit and fold while glued to the TV. That way, I don't feel so guilty. After that job was done, I decided to do one that I had been putting off.

I dragged my EMT bag to the couch. This is a huge black bag that is loaded with all kinds of things. It has sat in the front room by the front door for over 4 years--- ready to be grabbed on the rush out the front door. Unfortunately, I have had it over my shoulder on many trips at all times of the day and night. Vehicle wrecks, fire calls, sick people, suicide attempts, drunks fighting, drug overdoses and the dreaded "code black"---- someone found dead.

I did not renew my EMT license this year. There were alot of reasons/excuses. We are moving out of this fire district. I work for Louisburg Volunteer Fire Dept. Neil, Charlie, and Seth are firemen. I having joking told people that if you find yourself in trouble around here, the McCarter Clan is the cavalry! This is still an independent district and we govern ourselves. The other districts in the area come under their county governments and are saddled with all kinds of bureaucratic nonsense as well as poor equipment. Somehow, the towns end up with the modern stuff and rural people in the most danger end up with the left overs..... Anyway, where we are hoping to move to is not an independent district and they frankly don't need or want me.

Also, the last couple of years have been pretty rugged. I had more than my share of deceased calls. A really bad wreck with a life or death situation and back up was waaaaay slow in getting there. The patient lived but I still have dreams about that one. A couple of drug overdoses made me really angry and depressed me---- and they lived despite tremendous odds against them. What would have happened to me if they had not?
I began to question myself when I was called to the suicide attempt. Without going into detail the patient was a drug addict/alcoholic and was trying to emotionally blackmail her grown children. She had wasted most of her life and made other people miserable. I really didn't care if she made it. You have no idea how ashamed I am to admit that.


The bottom line is that as much as I like people and I am compelled to give help when I can, I am not emotionally cut out to ride to the rescue on a regular basis. So, yesterday I cleaned out my big black bag. I sorted out equipment that belonged to the VFD and boxed it up. The bag is still over half full because I bought several things that I wanted to have that dept. just didn't have the funds to provide for us. I'll turn in my pager and communication equipment , along with the box, this week. I let the guys know a couple of weeks ago that this was coming. I was very touched and humbled when several of the guys asked me to reconsider.... Word has leaked out to the community and people have been very kind to me.

I am never going to be able to walk past someone who needs help. I could not live with myself if I did but I will not be on the front lines anymore. I shed a few tears over that. There are all kinds of legal consequences for being a good Samaritan but I don't care. The black bag is still going to sit by the front door or ride in the truck.

I cannot believe how incredibly lazy I have been at posting on this blog. Over six months of silence -- It is a wonder that the blog site owners didn't just dump it all together.

There is no way to go back and catch up so I will just jump right in here.

The big news dominating our life is Neil's promotion and our attempt to buy our own farm.
For the past 10 years, we have lived and worked on this farm. It is the longest that I have ever lived in one place for my whole life. Neil is gone from this farm at least half of the time now. It has been a hard adjustment for me and the two youngest kids. The two older ones go off to college several days a weeks so they are busy with their own changes in life. So, the "little boys" and I end up here alone....... we don't like it. There is a new man hired to work here-- Ben from South Africa--- but he is just not Dad. Nice guy but it is hard for us to get used to someone strange being on the farm. For the first time in a decade, I have to be careful about wandering around in my nightgown....... I had to dig out my robe.

Since Ben will be taking over the day to day workings of this farm, he needs to live here. This is the time for us to branch our and get our own place. We started looking for a small farm-- about 40 acres--- and somehow this has bloomed into a full fledged farm of 155 acres. We have a contract and we are negotiating for financing now. Heaven help me! I am scared to do it and scared not to......

This has lead to a massive packing, cleaning, storing, tossing time in this house. I have found all kinds of things that I forgot about and many more things that I WISH that I could forget about. Even if we don't manage to swing the financing on this farm, we HAVE to go somewhere.

We have sold a few horses, sold a few cows, sold a few goats ad a guy is coming to buy a bunch of chickens tomorrow. Planning a yard sale as soon as the Arctic weather moves on out. The house is pretty much an obstacle course of stacked boxes--- mostly books.

I hope to do better at chronicling this big adventure.
Tana Mc